Often there are things you realise about yourself that are confronting and you decide to make some changes, and yet working through the changes can be a challenging and lonely time.
This has been my reality for a few years now. Attending workshops, reading books and articles and all the time thinking and wondering what I have to do to change a few things within my business and most of all on a personal level.
Then add into the mix the female and male energy thing. This was another level of learning … what to do and what not to do. I found it all quite confusing at times. I had become used to working in male energy in the corporate world in management positions and that male energy was flowing into my personal relationships. That was not working well for me!
It was exhausting and lonely living with all I was concentrating and working on.
I thought I was doing all I had to do. In my mind I was authentic and vulnerable. These words, authentic and vulnerable are words written about and spoken about often in my business, on social media, in articles, and I use these words with my clients. I suggest they show their personality and just be who they really are and in turn they’ll build a community and attract the people they want to work with.
Let me go back a few years. I was vulnerable (I thought) writing blogs about unlocking my past and other life stories. At the time of writing these stories it was very cathartic and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I seemed to move on as if this truth had been holding me back in some way in my business. I put my stories out to the world and connected with some amazing people in the process. The reason for writing these blogs was not for attention nor was it a cry for help, it was merely a way of showing I’m a real person with real life challenges I’ve worked through and in turn these stories may support others to work through issues in their life and move on to live a full and happy life. I believed I was showing others that hurdles can be overcome and life can be wonderful again.
During a conversation with one of my mentors the thought came to me that I had not been vulnerable at all when I shared my stories, they were quite easy to write and I moved on quickly. So I questioned if I had really been vulnerable, or if it mattered at all.
It took a great deal of thought prior to reaching out to my mentor about what I needed to make the changes I wanted. It was not easy to share with someone else my inner most secrets at that moment of reaching out I did feel vulnerable. Now I understood what vulnerability was.
Often it can be the smallest thought that comes to you at a most inexplicable moment that is life changing. That conversation with my mentor made a difference because I was being completely open and vulnerable sharing what was really going on in my world. I had been feeling completely powerless. It can be a very lonely place working on building a business from home and to admit that was empowering.
I was scared to talk to some of my close friends because I did not want our relationships to change. When I thought about that, the voice in my head whispered to me that they are not good friends if I could not reach out and ask for help. My small group of friends saw me as strong and able to cope with whatever came my way and I felt that was not the truth. I was not coping and they had no idea.
When I eventually let go and shared my feelings with a close friend, she said, “you can work through this, you have been an amazing and beautiful single mum and that would have been much more difficult to what you are experiencing at the moment. This is just business and part of what you are going through right now. You can do this”. She said these words in a supportive way, not dismissive, but loving and caring. I could sense the pain in her voice and the tears in her eyes when she admitted she was upset that she had not realised I needed support.
That put things into perspective for me. It also changed our friendship to a deeper level. She was originally surprised because she looked up to and admired me and thought I had it all together. Now we talk openly and honestly more often with vulnerability and a deep level of trust.
There were people even closer to me than my mentor (that’s close!) who didn’t know I was going through the hurt and pain but somehow I just knew they were not the people to reach out to at the time.
Even though I may look as though I had it all, I was lonely and felt as though I was living a lie. It was painful. I felt I could not keep going. I wanted to press the pause button on my life and just breathe!
The first step was the awareness that some things had to change. I wrote a note in my diary as “decision day” and then numbered the days, decision day +1/2/3 etc. to the end of that year. It was a reminder everyday that I was committing to work on making changes and letting go.
Letting go and asking for help is empowering. It is part of experiencing life on a much deeper level. I’m continuing to work on my education and personal development as I’m choosing to be a better human being so that I can touch more people and give more.
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